"You make my dopamine levels go all silly."

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy,
I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."


- Anonymous

I wanna feel natural and safe in a volatile place

"I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand when I am too old of a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?


Okay part two, now clear the house.
The party's over, take the shouting and the people, 
get out!
I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people told you!


Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget, when we have paid our debts,
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?


I wanna have pride like my mother has.
And not like the kind in the Bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust.
That love me for the man I've become not the man that I was."

Divine inspiration

"A good piece of art should inspire you to do it yourself."

- Stan Ridgeway

That's one of the things I love about good art....the feeling I get when I see something so amazing, so well done, so inspired, that I get this undeniable urge to attempt to create something even a fraction as good.  And it can come from unexpected sources...sometimes it's a song on the radio, sometimes it's watching a dance piece, sometimes it's a musician's live performance, sometimes it's an article in a magazine or a story in a book, sometimes it's a TV episode or a movie....but tonight it was church.  

I had the slightly unusual experience of having the majority of my technical dance training done through my church.  So the idea of associating creativity and inspiration and art with God was something that I simply took for granted.  (I'm not going to get into the whole thing about the difference between being a Christian artist, and being an artist who also happens to be a Christian...that's a whole other point and a whole other can of worms)  My point is that it's been a very, very long time (as in I don't actually remember the last time) since that feeling of inspiration and the drive to create that I get from good art, came from anything specifically related to anything spiritual.  But tonight during the worship after the message, I got completely lost in just hanging out with God.  And then at some point I got this antsy, almost hyper urge to create.....anything.  I wanted to dance, and draw, and write, and....I don't know, sculpt (though I've never sculpted in my life).  I even for a brief moment considered driving 40 minutes to the studio to go dance.  

I don't want to loose that feeling.  That creative drive, the ants-in-my-pants urge to make something amazing is what I need to motivate me.  I keep getting caught up in the logistics of trying to start a company.  I keep thinking, I need to lay out my 5 year plan and 10 year plan and look for sponsors and recruit dancers and get rehearsal space and and and....I mean, I do need to do all those things, but if I loose inspiration then there's no point to any of the logistics.

The dictionary definition of the the word "inspire" is:
to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence; to produce or arouse; to fill or affect with a specified feeling; to influence or impel; to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence; to prompt or instigate; to give rise to, bring about, cause; to infuse or to breath life into.

For some reason I don't really feel as anxious about all the details as sometimes I think I should.  Maybe some part of me is more mature and trusting than I think....but I kind of feel like if I will be faithful to stay inspired, and continue to trust the place I'm in and the provision that has already happened, then the rest of everything will come.  And obviously I don't mean I think I should just spend all my time dancing around my apartment and sponsors will magically find me to give me money or anything like that...but I so have a tendency to get lost in the planning and the details, that what I need to do is remember and trust that what I'm called here to do is so bigger than me.  

Soooooo I think what I'm gonna do now is put on some good music, find my sketchbook, maybe make some hot chocolate, and create something.

Dancing about architecture

* Scroll down and click the play button before reading on *

I love it when something has the ability to stop me dead in my tracks...for just a moment, the rest of the world stops and all the clutter in my head quiets and I am overtaken.  It's an incredible feeling.  And one that I haven't had in a while.

A line from one of my all-time favorite movies (Playing By Heart in case you're curious) is "You can't talk about music.  Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."  Keeping that in mind, I'm going to give it a shot anyway....

Earlier I was in the car on my way home, listening to a playlist comprised of "I And Love And You" by the Avett Brothers, the self-title album by Mt. Desolation, and "In Rainbows" by Radiohead (these 3 albums work together surprisingly well...I just put it on shuffle and it's magic).  I had just pulled into my driveway and was distractedly gathering my things before turning the car off, when Thom Yorke's voice hit this one note and I froze.  My breath caught and I was completely transfixed.  I sat motionless as the note soared into vibrato before trailing off...then the drums came back in, along with my breathing, as my eyes filled with tears.  These are the moments that I live for.  These are the moments that I am just arrogant enough to hope to create for others.  This is why I believe in art....really good art....that can inspire and change people's lives....even if it's just for the length of one note.



* the moment I was referring to happens at 2:59 in case you're wondering *

It's not the chase that I love, it's me following you.

Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

(totally never thought this song would work acoustic or as a solo - it's just so massive when it's done with everyone - but I have to say, Marcus rocked this to a whole new level.  I will never doubt him again)