Change

So speaking of my other blog, I was going through and re-reading some old posts and came across one of few and far between posts that are more on the positive side....and it was a good reminder to me of some things that I really do think and that are important to me. 

I'm a huge NPR nerd, but does anyone else remember/know about a series they used to have called
This I Believe?   Actually, it's still ongoing through their website and podcast  http://thisibelieve.org/
It's basically a bunch of essays written be people from all walks of life, about their core values and the beliefs that guide their lives.  They've featured essays written by presidents, actors, dancers, scientists, Nobel prize winners, housewives, teachers and students.  It used to be the highlight of my week when it came on, and I used to fantasize about writing my own essay and it being chosen to be featured and what it would be about....I wrote several different versions and drafts but never quite had the energy and discipline to sit and narrow it down to just one belief to write about. And then the series ended and I kind of gave up on it....which is actually kind of stupid because really, there should be more personal motivation to really think about what you believe than just the possibility of being featured on a public radio program :p  But anyway....here is the closest I got:
. 

(7/28/08)
I believe in people's ability to change.
I believe that there are some people who are worth giving a second chance.
I believe you can make a living doing something you love,
and I believe it is worth the sacrifices along the way to make it happen.
I believe finding someone who will love you completely and without condition is worth waiting for.
I believe in the power of art to make people think.
I believe in understanding and accepting the consequences of your own actions.
I believe that people must be changed from the inside out.
I believe that true and sincere change is possible,
and I believe that that kind of change is always much harder than you expect it to be.
I believe that the only way for the world to change is for people to believe that the world can change and then choose to do something about it.

Whiny whiny whine

So....it's been a while.

I've been told by several people that they miss my blog & wondered why I haven't been writing lately.
It's not that I haven't had anything to write about (cuz there's been more than enough going on), it's more that I haven't had the energy to figure out how to put the swirling mess of my brain into any kind of cohesive format.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to November.  Like I'm pretty sure all I did was blink and it was gone.

Actually that's not entirely true...there was Thanksgiving and work and dance and a lot of time spent helping a friend and then moving into my own place and....ok, so I guess that's what happened to November.
But now it's December and I only have 2 more days of teaching for this semester....which is completely crazy to me.

My other problem is that now that (for the most part) the whole blog challenge has kind of fizzled out, I've kept having this feeling that to post my whining and frustrations (which is mainly what's been consuming my brain) online for all to see is kind of self-indulgent and showy.  I actually have a different old blog that is pretty much secret and now exists solely as an online journal, and in fact, the last 3 things that I've written with the intension of posting here, at the last second I moved them to the other blog.  
Though, as it was recently pointed out to me....blogs are for whining (thanks Tav).  I guess kind of the point is to post your thoughts and rants and raves and if others choose to read them then....
But for some reason I've felt like everything that keeps coming out is so bitchy and complaining....and when it really comes down to it, I pretty much have nothing to complain about, so then I just feel bad for whining.....and end up posting nothing at all.

So there you have it.  I've been trying to write something to post all day.  And finally just decided that I might as well write about my worries in not being able to write anything.

Selfish creatures

It's scary looking at yourself in a new light.  When you're always used to thinking of yourself as the noble, the right, the victim.  But then to sometimes turn around and see what the same actions, the same scenario may look like from the other side.  And you may not be a blameless as you like to think.  Actions that seem justified because you think you're just being wise and protecting yourself from the same mistakes of the past, are really just you selfishly playing out every option to find what suits you best, at the expense of those around you.

Riddler

I whimper and cry and whine and complain.
Letting loose a refrain of woe and frustration.
Tempting fate to pass me over to the depths of despair,
though in reality I must admit I fare better than most.
Not to boast, but I kind of have it made.
Getting paid to teach and do what I love.
Having time to create and train and hang from above.
So why do I lose focus? Why do I always want what's not there?
Do I care too much or too little?
I feel caught in a maze riddled with holes of procrastinated goals.
How to accomplish my plans and desires, while not losing sight of others?
How to give all of myself, without forgetting who I really am?
How to be satisfied, while staying motivated?
How to trust and love, without getting trampled?

DeGraw

Sometimes I rely too much on feelings.
Reeling in the emotions that swarm and swirl and make me dizzy.
Busy-ness taking up time instead of confronting my true nature.
Captured by controlling desires to always know what comes next.
Perplexed and crumbling in the cross-hairs of worry and furiously second-guessing every move.
Searching to prove my status among the successful and stressed beyond awareness of the others around me.
"Belief makes things real, makes things feel, feel alright."
But tonight, I wander, I worry, I wonder...
Will I ever find a way to know contentment without complacency?

Peaches

Flirtations in a peach tree, under the shadow of a giant
Precariously balancing adventure and consequence, without tipping the hand too far
Threatening to run away on a fugitive train, leaving behind breadcrumbs to find our way back

Lost in a peach tree, winding through the trails that old money left behind
Curious and hoping that interest begets friendship with no casualties along the way
Long and rambling vines, too tangled to hold on to in the darkest night

The endless peach tree that follows wherever you go, teasing and taunting the lost
Black eyes and alibis, both just a facade. Tucked away on a rolling hill
The wrong whiskey accounting for the queen in the sand

H.S.D.L.B.M.F.

Hidden or hiding.  Hopeful or heightened.
Sprained or spasm.  Sung or saddened.
Damned or defeated.  Danced or depleted.
Lonely or loaned.  Lingered or letting.
Blamed or beautiful.  Buoyant or bountiful.
Maimed or misled.  Mirrored or misread.
Found or flailing. Falling or forgotten.
  

Work in progress

Ok I'm owning up to it...I failed the blog challenge.  I'm making no excuses.  I knew how busy I am when I agreed to be part of this, yet still thought I could pull it off.  My problem, when it really comes down to it, is balance.  I do a lot of things.  And even of the things that are all somewhat related, each has their own set of priorities, requirements and obligations.  I think usually what happens is that something comes up and I have to focus all (or at least most) of my energy on one particular thing to the extent that the rest of the things I do fall by the wayside and suffer....and then I have to play catch up and let others things take the back burner....and the cycle just keeps going.  I know that I am an extremist by nature...meaning, that when I think something is wrong I go to the complete far opposite extreme to attempt to fix it...which of course only creates other new and exciting problems....aaaaannd you see where I'm going with this.  

Last summer (2009) I was asked to set a piece on a group of dancers for the the Oklahoma Contemporary Dance Festival.  At the time I was in a walking cast for an ankle injury that I had made worse by not taking time off when I should have, and was, in the most literal sense, dealing with issues of balance.  Below is the link to a video of the piece (the quality is bad, but you can get the gist), and what I wrote that was included as a program note:

"I believe in constantly striving to find balance. There is danger in living at either extreme of almost anything. Whether true balance can ever be attained is something I have yet to find out, but I believe if I ever quit trying to find it then I will truly be lost."


It always kind of weirds me out to read stuff that I wrote long enough ago that I feel I'm in a different mindset now...especially when it's really similar to something I'm currently dealing with.  It kind of makes me feel like I don't make as much progress as I like to think I do.  But I guess that's even the point of what I was saying both then and now...I have to always be working towards becoming who I need to be.  Maybe it's not possible to really figure things out in this life, but if we give up trying to then there's really no point in moving on at all.   

God's coolness in spite of my neurosis

NOTE: I feel I should make an apology for my last post...I fell asleep while writing it, and I'm pretty sure clicked the "publish post" button in my sleep.

So....God is cool.  I am continually amazed at how often I stress over something, and then, really without any doing on my part, things work out even better than if I had planned it.

It's been an insane 2 weeks.  First getting everything ready for the Artisan Fair at Edgehill Village, and then all the extra rehearsals in preparation for out performance at the Frist.  Oh, and another reason God is cool...all last week I was really struggling with feeling completely inept as a dancer.  Maybe it was stress, or lack of sleep, or simply old insecurities rearing their ugly heads, but I left just about every rehearsal feeling like the stupid dancer with no talent or ability to retain choreography or critique of any kind.  But in spite of my neurosis, the Company Rose performance at the Frist went beautifully, to much critical acclaim...though personally, my feelings were primarily relief that I didn't screw anything up too terribly.  And then last night I received a text message that included such extravagant, sincere and detailed praise of me as a dancer and specifically of my performance that I literally still don't even know what to say.  It was encouragement that couldn't have come at a more poignant time.  If I can only manage to remember that (to quote my favorite Twila Paris song of my teenage years....Andrew Collins, that was for you) God Is In Control, then maybe I will someday learn to trust and not spaz out so much all the freakin' time.

So I've decided that laying on an icepack while it is this cold out is one of the most unpleasant things I have done in a while.

It's been a ridiculously crazy last could days...I performed with Company Rose last night and it turned out amazing.  But most of the week was spent in extra rehearsals...

Tonight, 6:30pm at the Frist

Ok so it's time for the bitchy, un-profound, un-inspired blah blog...
This thing is starting to seriously get in the way of my making it to bed at any form of a reasonable hour...but because I'm stubborn and competitive I have not gone to sleep before 2am  for at least the past 5 or 6 days.

This week has been rough.  For maybe reasons I think....not the least of which I'm sure being the fact that I think that we (Audra & I specifically) kind of actually pulled off something really cool this past weekend.  We had a very direct goal and completely achieved it.  And maybe even then some.  So I'm coming off of a huge artistic high, and have now crashed.  I've felt, insecure, annoyed, stressed, you name it.  I'm' hoping somehow that being aware of these feelings will help to curb them at least a little.

Ok I've now fallen asleep 4x in the middle of writing this (and have a 8:30am rehearsal tomorrow) so Good Night world.

P.S. Anyone reading this should come to the Frist Museusm of Art tomorrow at 6:30pm.  Audra & I will both be performing with Company Rose as part of the free (come people, I said FREEEEE!!!) Birth of Impressionism lecture series.  It is an absolute beautiful piece of work and I'm extremely proud to be a part of it.

Rodney Smith obsession

A large part of today was spent planning and thinking about a photoshoot (for FALL) that we will hopefully do (at least part 1 of) on Saturday.  For ideas and inspiration and I spent some time looking at various things online, including one of my absolute favorite photographers:

Rodney Smith - official website 

Rodney Smith - google image search

Um yeah....so he's a complete badass.  

I love how much each photo says.  You just know there is so much of a story behind each image, or each character that is depicted.  Everything about his images are rich...color, depth, style, story, light, beauty, structure....everything.  It's like they're vague and specific at the same time...vague because he's not really giving you much information, he's leaving it up to you what the story is and what the thought behind it is...and yet each is so specifically detailed and stylized.  I feel like I could stare at any one of his photos for a very, very long time without getting bored because his images exercise your mind....it's beautiful aesthetics with thought-provoking profoundness. 

Oh and he has an awesome blog in which he rants and rambles and is just generally great.  

http://rodneysmith.com/blog/

I have it bookmarked in a folder entitled "Art/Ideas/Inspirations" and there have been many times that when feeling bored and uninspired I will just spend some time to get lost in his words and photos.

"When I least expect it,and I'm not looking for it, when I seem to let go completely, something wonderful happens.  The more I trust my instincts - which are a combination of my intellect and emotion - the more I like the experience.  The more I hold on, the more fearful I become, the more controlling I need to be, the less I seem to get."

- Rodney Smith

  

"There is a design, an alignment to cry..."

So.....it just occurred to me that one week from tonight I get to see Mumford and Sons!!  And then 6 days after that...I get to see them again!!!!!


If you have never heard of this band, I dare you to watch this and not be instantly enamored.  
Mumford & Sons - Dustbowl Dance



Their energy is infectious...and live it's completely intoxicating.  There are other acts that may put more into production, but musically, it is hands down the best live show I've ever seen.  


So the camera work is not great on this one, but it's from their St. Louis show I went to in June, and I was standing right next to the girl who filmed it (I met and hung out w/ her for a little while after the show), so you're pretty much seeing it as I did....and in her defense, the reason the camera is so shaky is that everyone was so into it that the ground was literally shaking (and I don't mean that in a "I-said-"literally"-but-actually-meant-and-should-have-said-figuratively sort of way).
Roll Away Your Stone - St. Louis 6/15

Yeahhhhh, so I might be MILDLY obsessed ;)  Annndd I have convinced at least a half dozen others to be almost as obsessed as I am.  I have found that obsessions are always more fun in groups ;)


Ok I reeeeaaallllyyyyy should sleep now (considering that that is the third time now that I have typed waaaayyy toooooo many letters into a particular word to indicate emphasis and inflection)....I'm going to end with some of my favorite lyrics, maybe ever....


Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
it will set you free
to be more like the man
you were made to be.
There is a design, 
an alignment to cry 
of my heart to see
the beauty of love
as it was made to be.
- Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More

Further up and further in

Every year or so for at least the past 10 years, I re-read one of my favorite books, Hinds' Feet On High Places.  It's an allegory of a Christian life, written in the 70's by a missionary named Hannah Hurnard.   Every single time I read it, there is something new...a passage that I just skimmed over before that suddenly has new meaning, or a single sentence that sets off a whole thought process.  Today I read the part where Much-Afraid reaches the bottom of a massive waterfall:

"Much-Afraid," said the Shepherd's voice in her ear, "what do you think of this fall of great waters in their abandonment of self-giving?"
She trembled a little as she answered. "I think they are beautiful and terrible beyond anything I ever saw before."
"Why terrible?" He asked.
"It is the leap which they have to make, the awful height from which they must cast themselves down to the depths beneath, there to be broken on the rocks."....
She gazed and gazed, then said, "It looks as though they think it is the loveliest movement in all the world, as though to cast oneself down is to abandon oneself to ecstasy and joy indescribable."...
Laughing and shouting at the top of their voices, [the waters] hurried still lower and lower, down through the meadows to the next precipice and the next glorious crisis of self-giving... 
Far from suffering from the rocks, it seemed as though every obstacle in the bed of the torrent was looked upon as another object to be overcome and another lovely opportunity to find a way over or around it...
"At first sight perhaps the leap does look terrible," said the Shepherd, "but as you can see, the water itself finds no terror in it, no moment of hesitation or shrinking, only joy unspeakable and full of glory, because it is the movement natural to it.  Self-giving is its life.  It has only one desire, to go down and give itself with no reserve or holding back of any kind.  You can see that as it obeys that glorious urge the obstacles which look so terrifying are perfectly harmless, and and indeed only add to the joy and glory of the movement." 


Today as I reflected on everything that has happened to bring me where I am, here, at this place in my life, at this very moment, I was struck by how amazingly things have been provided, and how I have been led to exactly where I need to be to work towards what I have always wanted to do.  Even the things that seemed like obstacles or detours were really only necessary re-directions that allowed me to obtain things that I would later need.
One of the best things about being back in Nashville has been re-connecting with the capoeira group here and being able to rediscover my absolute passion for it.  One of my favorite parts about the game is the concept/philosophy that, instead of blocking an attack or seeing it as an attack at all, you go along with it and turn it into something you can use.  And it's a continual flow, an exchange back and forth, not of attacks and defenses, but really of infinite counter-attacks one after another.  Instead of seeing a potential obstacle as something to hold you back, you take it and use it as something to make you stronger.
I feel like what I'm hoping and dreaming to create is much bigger than me.  And in order for it to work I have to get over myself - my issues, my insecurities, my fears and doubts.  I have to give of myself "with no reserve or holding back of any kind", and trust.  Trust my instincts, trust my Provider, and trust that each obstacle is really just a step towards something... "another lovely opportunity to find a way over or around it."  

Today was a good day

*NOTE:  I couldn't for the life of me get this to post last night before I when to sleep, so it is being posted now at 1:30pm, 10/24/10.  I will leave it up to the others as to if this makes me lose the blog challenge since I technically did miss a day of posting....though even if I lost, I still plan on continuing for at least the rest of the 30 days*

Today was a good day.  

Even the things that went wrong (meaning, did not go exactly the way I planned), actually turned out to be even better than my original intentions.  

I’m too tired and a little too overwhelmed to fully break down my thoughts on the artistic aspect of what I think was accomplished today....

But on a purely personal level I had a major breakthrough and am kind of in tears as I really think about it...For the past close to two years, before doing anything physical (class, rehearsal, performance), I have a prescription pain reliever that I have to take approximately an hour beforehand.  It doesn’t fix everything by any means, but it takes the edge off enough to keep things from being too tense to properly warm up my muscles and joints.  But today, in the midst of the craziness of the day and getting ready, I completely forget to take my pain meds....and was fine. I improv-ed on the fabric for a total of an hour and a half, then played capoeira on and off for probably 4 hours.....and didn’t even notice or realize that I had forgotten until things were already over.  I’m almost afraid to hope and am knocking on wood as I say this but, I think that maybe I might have more years of this in me than I thought.  Today I felt strong and invigorated as I moved and was the master of my body and of my pain instead of the other way around.  And I truthfully don’t remember the last time that happened.  I often refer to my body as a separate entity, because that’s what it seems like most of the time.  Like I’m on one team, and it’s on the other, constantly fighting against me and trying to sabotage what I’m wanting to do.  When I was diagnosed with scoliosis at 13, I think one of the hardest things to deal with was that I felt like my body had betrayed me. As a dancer, you spend so much time honing your skills and molding your body into not completely natural positions or shapes, and then, without my permission, my body went and did something that threatened to not only undo everything I had worked for, but also keep me from going any farther.  As I’m thinking about it now, maybe that’s why I push myself so hard and do so many different things...it’s an almost frantic attempt to regain control from that betrayal.  But maybe instead of seeing my body as the enemy, maybe I should be trying to convince it that we are really on the same team.  Even if today was not the norm, it still was a step, and it gives me hope for a future that is maybe not as downhill as I thought.  

Another Awesomely Untranslatable Word

Duende
Spanish - While originally used to describe a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one's surroundings in nature, its meaning has transitioned into referring to "the mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person."


Today during rehearsal with Company Rose we did our first full run-through of the piece we're performing at the Frist next week as part of the Birth of Impressionism exhibit.  The piece includes a solo performed by one of the other dancers & as I watched it for only the second time, I was literally brought to tears.  When all the elements come together - the right dancer, the right choreographer, the right music, the right movement - magic happens.  The beauty is beyond words to describe.  I was reminded again what I'm working towards and why I'm doing it.  It's the search for duende...that moment of ecstatic beauty that is so amazing it make your heart want to burst...that makes you feel you can fly...that makes you forget about all the ugliness, all the pain and hurt in the world, and makes you believe that anything is possible............
At least that's what good art makes me feel.  And it's a feeling that I crave.  So much so that my greatest desire is to create something that can give that feeling to someone else.
That's the true reason why I'm starting this company...to attempt to put more beauty into the world.  To create things that make people actually feel something.  To inspire and invigorate and enliven the world around me.
Tomorrow is a small first step....and also a rather large one.  I'm nervous and excited and maybe a little scared.  I think that if I really step back and fully comprehend how incredibly things have been provided for me for this moment, I might collapse under the weight of amazement and gratitude that I feel.
As cheesy as it is to say at the moment.....it's time to just let go and fall.

10 things today has taught me...

1. It's difficult to take a picture of the back of one's own head.
2. My best friend likes her scrambled eggs with mustard
3. The East Nashville Wal-mart Market closes at midnight
4. I like rhinestones.  I'm fully aware of their tackiness...but still am I inexplicably drawn to them.
5. I remembered how much I enjoy putting on makeup & experimenting with colors.
6. Kids are really funny.  Thank you to Mary and Giada and Brooke and others for making me laugh today...a lot.
7. Raspberries and coffee sometimes make everything all better.
8. I have really cool friends.  All of whom I am continually astounded by how much they seem to like me and are willing to contribute their time, energy, expertise, rigging equipment, etc. to help me and my crazy ideas.
9. I don't get enough sleep.
10. The next time I have an intense craving for donuts, I should just say no.

Let's get together, yeah yeah yeah

Dance is a collaborative art form more than almost any other.  It almost never just involves only one individual...even a solo is danced to music that was created at some point by someone else.  In any given dance performance, there is most likely collaboration between the dancers & the choreographer, the choreographer & the costume designer, the costume designer & the lighting designer, etc.  I believe that in regards to dance in particular, but art as a whole, we need to be willing to discover even more of what we can create together...in collaboration with, not just in spite of all the other art around us.  There are so many facets of creation that have not been explored...things that may not seem to go together, but in fact may be just waiting for the magic to happen.  

This Saturday, Edgehill Village

So today was a weird day.  I think most of the people in Nashville took stupid pills along with their daily vitamins.  Lots of miscommunication and bad drivers and weird clumsiness.  But it was also extremely productive and fulfilling...in fact, so productive and fulfilling that I now feel completely drained.  And kind of also that the last thing I want to do right now is write and try to be any more creative or productive...but a challenge is a challenge ;)

So this Saturday Audra & I will be featured artists at the Edgehill Village Artisan Fair, exploring the concept of blurring the lines between dance as a performance art and a visual art.  The idea is that we will be a kind of living, large-scale, installation piece.

This is kind of a big deal.  I'm trying to not think too much about it, but really this is technically the debut of FALL as an entity.  Granted, the company currently consists of Audra and I...and Audra and I, and Audra and I (considering all the roles that the two of us are filling, we really should count as at least a 6 person company).

I have no idea who is/will be reading this blog, but it just occurred to me that most may not have a clue what on earth I'm talking about...for anyone feeling left in the dark:
FALL is the name of the dance company that I am starting.  It's the reason I moved back here to Nashville.  It's the thing that I have always said I wanted to do with my life.
So um, yeah, no pressure.

Anyways....so, everyone should come on Saturday...we'll be there hanging from the ceiling intermittently between 1:00 and 4:00.  I'll probably make a FB thing about it tomorrow...but for now, sleep.

Welcome To The Experimental Jetset

Flourishing, thriving, still striving, get by-ing.

Heated then hotted, then hopeful forgotten.

Languishing, lounging and thoughtfully letting,

the truth in your mouth though your heart be forgetting.

Theoretical, physical, musical playthings

are dancing and twirling and plucking on heartstrings.

The beauty so lovely is focusing onward

to forebear and beware the ominous option

Blog challenge.....accepted.

So sometimes when I'm bored and avoiding sleep, I use Stumbleupon (which is completely awesome and everyone should use it) to surf the interweb.  Last night it showed me something entitled "20 Awesomely Untranslatable Words From Around The World."  #12 on the list is:

12. Torschlusspanik

German - Translated literally, this word means "gate-closing panic," but its contextual meaning refers to "the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages."

This pretty much is what has plagued me for at least the past 5 years, but if I were to be really honest, probably more like my entire life.  I've always had the thought/fear or getting or being old.  Or actually maybe it's more like the fear of missing out on my one big opportunity because I was somehow distracted by another one.  I've always been ridiculously indecisive.  On everything from where to live for the next year, to which purple eyeliner to buy (last week I literally stood in front of the display for 15 minutes debating the pros & cons of "Currant", "Amethyst", and "Blackberry"..."Blackberry" won, in case you're curious).  I think it comes from being terrified of the feeling of regret.  That making the decision between 2 different things allows for the possibility that once the decision is irreversibly made, I will realize that the other one is the one I actually wanted.  About 5 years ago my life came to a screeching halt and I was hit in the face with the fact that I had become so petrified of making a wrong step or decision, that I had simply quit making any.  And while that was ultimately a good realization to have had, I think that in some ways it also added to the list of things that I'm afraid of screwing up (i.e. so afraid that I will once again just stop moving forward, that I have become super paranoid of it).

I don't really have a neat way to wrap up this thought process...in fact I think that maybe this digression just opened up a whole other line of self-realization that I'm not sure I have energy to confront at this precise moment.  But there you have it.  I agreed to be part of this challenge kind of nonchalantly, but I'm starting to think that it will probably be very, very good for me to work out some things (yes Audra, this is me externally processing)...especially as I am embarking on this whole new creation that I'm working on (I'm sure I'll expound on that - and the title of my company/blog more in future posts).  Blog entry #1 completed.