Every year or so for at least the past 10 years, I re-read one of my favorite books, Hinds' Feet On High Places. It's an allegory of a Christian life, written in the 70's by a missionary named Hannah Hurnard. Every single time I read it, there is something new...a passage that I just skimmed over before that suddenly has new meaning, or a single sentence that sets off a whole thought process. Today I read the part where Much-Afraid reaches the bottom of a massive waterfall:
"Much-Afraid," said the Shepherd's voice in her ear, "what do you think of this fall of great waters in their abandonment of self-giving?"
She trembled a little as she answered. "I think they are beautiful and terrible beyond anything I ever saw before."
"Why terrible?" He asked.
"It is the leap which they have to make, the awful height from which they must cast themselves down to the depths beneath, there to be broken on the rocks."....
She gazed and gazed, then said, "It looks as though they think it is the loveliest movement in all the world, as though to cast oneself down is to abandon oneself to ecstasy and joy indescribable."...
Laughing and shouting at the top of their voices, [the waters] hurried still lower and lower, down through the meadows to the next precipice and the next glorious crisis of self-giving...
Far from suffering from the rocks, it seemed as though every obstacle in the bed of the torrent was looked upon as another object to be overcome and another lovely opportunity to find a way over or around it...
"At first sight perhaps the leap does look terrible," said the Shepherd, "but as you can see, the water itself finds no terror in it, no moment of hesitation or shrinking, only joy unspeakable and full of glory, because it is the movement natural to it. Self-giving is its life. It has only one desire, to go down and give itself with no reserve or holding back of any kind. You can see that as it obeys that glorious urge the obstacles which look so terrifying are perfectly harmless, and and indeed only add to the joy and glory of the movement."
Today as I reflected on everything that has happened to bring me where I am, here, at this place in my life, at this very moment, I was struck by how amazingly things have been provided, and how I have been led to exactly where I need to be to work towards what I have always wanted to do. Even the things that seemed like obstacles or detours were really only necessary re-directions that allowed me to obtain things that I would later need.
One of the best things about being back in Nashville has been re-connecting with the capoeira group here and being able to rediscover my absolute passion for it. One of my favorite parts about the game is the concept/philosophy that, instead of blocking an attack or seeing it as an attack at all, you go along with it and turn it into something you can use. And it's a continual flow, an exchange back and forth, not of attacks and defenses, but really of infinite counter-attacks one after another. Instead of seeing a potential obstacle as something to hold you back, you take it and use it as something to make you stronger.
I feel like what I'm hoping and dreaming to create is much bigger than me. And in order for it to work I have to get over myself - my issues, my insecurities, my fears and doubts. I have to give of myself "with no reserve or holding back of any kind", and trust. Trust my instincts, trust my Provider, and trust that each obstacle is really just a step towards something... "another lovely opportunity to find a way over or around it."
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