12. Torschlusspanik
German - Translated literally, this word means "gate-closing panic," but its contextual meaning refers to "the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages."
This pretty much is what has plagued me for at least the past 5 years, but if I were to be really honest, probably more like my entire life. I've always had the thought/fear or getting or being old. Or actually maybe it's more like the fear of missing out on my one big opportunity because I was somehow distracted by another one. I've always been ridiculously indecisive. On everything from where to live for the next year, to which purple eyeliner to buy (last week I literally stood in front of the display for 15 minutes debating the pros & cons of "Currant", "Amethyst", and "Blackberry"..."Blackberry" won, in case you're curious). I think it comes from being terrified of the feeling of regret. That making the decision between 2 different things allows for the possibility that once the decision is irreversibly made, I will realize that the other one is the one I actually wanted. About 5 years ago my life came to a screeching halt and I was hit in the face with the fact that I had become so petrified of making a wrong step or decision, that I had simply quit making any. And while that was ultimately a good realization to have had, I think that in some ways it also added to the list of things that I'm afraid of screwing up (i.e. so afraid that I will once again just stop moving forward, that I have become super paranoid of it).
I don't really have a neat way to wrap up this thought process...in fact I think that maybe this digression just opened up a whole other line of self-realization that I'm not sure I have energy to confront at this precise moment. But there you have it. I agreed to be part of this challenge kind of nonchalantly, but I'm starting to think that it will probably be very, very good for me to work out some things (yes Audra, this is me externally processing)...especially as I am embarking on this whole new creation that I'm working on (I'm sure I'll expound on that - and the title of my company/blog more in future posts). Blog entry #1 completed.
Coolness! I didn't know if you were going to do the challenge or not! :)
ReplyDeleteI have lots of thoughts about this post. But as briefly as possible, I think if you always made the right decisions, you would feel alienated. You rob yourself of having any sort of testimonial. I'm sure this is a weak balm to the perfectionist's mind, but there it is. haha
I'll be sure to add your blog to my links! TTYL YO
Wow Bex !
ReplyDeleteIt's always kinda creepy , the German Language . They have words that describe the smallest , barely recognizable , emotions or thoughts. If your German , you get to just keep sticking them all together until you've described " it" completely ! ( I'm sure they have a word to describe the process, even )
This word ... Well ,it's damn appropriate for my stage of life and timely .
One thing is certain , if he Germans have a word for it , they have a word for the antidote as well. Here's to hunting out the linguistic cure , so to speak .
Huge props to your blog challenge. I will def follow.......
Grrrlrobyn
hey girl. first,i miss you and i hope to make it to nashville and see you soon!
ReplyDeletesecond, crazy you posted this, i pretty much had this exact realization about myself in july. its a hard place. suffocating in fact. so here's to working this shit out and remembering that ALL things work together for our good. eventually. :)