Change

So speaking of my other blog, I was going through and re-reading some old posts and came across one of few and far between posts that are more on the positive side....and it was a good reminder to me of some things that I really do think and that are important to me. 

I'm a huge NPR nerd, but does anyone else remember/know about a series they used to have called
This I Believe?   Actually, it's still ongoing through their website and podcast  http://thisibelieve.org/
It's basically a bunch of essays written be people from all walks of life, about their core values and the beliefs that guide their lives.  They've featured essays written by presidents, actors, dancers, scientists, Nobel prize winners, housewives, teachers and students.  It used to be the highlight of my week when it came on, and I used to fantasize about writing my own essay and it being chosen to be featured and what it would be about....I wrote several different versions and drafts but never quite had the energy and discipline to sit and narrow it down to just one belief to write about. And then the series ended and I kind of gave up on it....which is actually kind of stupid because really, there should be more personal motivation to really think about what you believe than just the possibility of being featured on a public radio program :p  But anyway....here is the closest I got:
. 

(7/28/08)
I believe in people's ability to change.
I believe that there are some people who are worth giving a second chance.
I believe you can make a living doing something you love,
and I believe it is worth the sacrifices along the way to make it happen.
I believe finding someone who will love you completely and without condition is worth waiting for.
I believe in the power of art to make people think.
I believe in understanding and accepting the consequences of your own actions.
I believe that people must be changed from the inside out.
I believe that true and sincere change is possible,
and I believe that that kind of change is always much harder than you expect it to be.
I believe that the only way for the world to change is for people to believe that the world can change and then choose to do something about it.

Whiny whiny whine

So....it's been a while.

I've been told by several people that they miss my blog & wondered why I haven't been writing lately.
It's not that I haven't had anything to write about (cuz there's been more than enough going on), it's more that I haven't had the energy to figure out how to put the swirling mess of my brain into any kind of cohesive format.
I'm not entirely sure what happened to November.  Like I'm pretty sure all I did was blink and it was gone.

Actually that's not entirely true...there was Thanksgiving and work and dance and a lot of time spent helping a friend and then moving into my own place and....ok, so I guess that's what happened to November.
But now it's December and I only have 2 more days of teaching for this semester....which is completely crazy to me.

My other problem is that now that (for the most part) the whole blog challenge has kind of fizzled out, I've kept having this feeling that to post my whining and frustrations (which is mainly what's been consuming my brain) online for all to see is kind of self-indulgent and showy.  I actually have a different old blog that is pretty much secret and now exists solely as an online journal, and in fact, the last 3 things that I've written with the intension of posting here, at the last second I moved them to the other blog.  
Though, as it was recently pointed out to me....blogs are for whining (thanks Tav).  I guess kind of the point is to post your thoughts and rants and raves and if others choose to read them then....
But for some reason I've felt like everything that keeps coming out is so bitchy and complaining....and when it really comes down to it, I pretty much have nothing to complain about, so then I just feel bad for whining.....and end up posting nothing at all.

So there you have it.  I've been trying to write something to post all day.  And finally just decided that I might as well write about my worries in not being able to write anything.

Selfish creatures

It's scary looking at yourself in a new light.  When you're always used to thinking of yourself as the noble, the right, the victim.  But then to sometimes turn around and see what the same actions, the same scenario may look like from the other side.  And you may not be a blameless as you like to think.  Actions that seem justified because you think you're just being wise and protecting yourself from the same mistakes of the past, are really just you selfishly playing out every option to find what suits you best, at the expense of those around you.

Riddler

I whimper and cry and whine and complain.
Letting loose a refrain of woe and frustration.
Tempting fate to pass me over to the depths of despair,
though in reality I must admit I fare better than most.
Not to boast, but I kind of have it made.
Getting paid to teach and do what I love.
Having time to create and train and hang from above.
So why do I lose focus? Why do I always want what's not there?
Do I care too much or too little?
I feel caught in a maze riddled with holes of procrastinated goals.
How to accomplish my plans and desires, while not losing sight of others?
How to give all of myself, without forgetting who I really am?
How to be satisfied, while staying motivated?
How to trust and love, without getting trampled?

DeGraw

Sometimes I rely too much on feelings.
Reeling in the emotions that swarm and swirl and make me dizzy.
Busy-ness taking up time instead of confronting my true nature.
Captured by controlling desires to always know what comes next.
Perplexed and crumbling in the cross-hairs of worry and furiously second-guessing every move.
Searching to prove my status among the successful and stressed beyond awareness of the others around me.
"Belief makes things real, makes things feel, feel alright."
But tonight, I wander, I worry, I wonder...
Will I ever find a way to know contentment without complacency?

Peaches

Flirtations in a peach tree, under the shadow of a giant
Precariously balancing adventure and consequence, without tipping the hand too far
Threatening to run away on a fugitive train, leaving behind breadcrumbs to find our way back

Lost in a peach tree, winding through the trails that old money left behind
Curious and hoping that interest begets friendship with no casualties along the way
Long and rambling vines, too tangled to hold on to in the darkest night

The endless peach tree that follows wherever you go, teasing and taunting the lost
Black eyes and alibis, both just a facade. Tucked away on a rolling hill
The wrong whiskey accounting for the queen in the sand

H.S.D.L.B.M.F.

Hidden or hiding.  Hopeful or heightened.
Sprained or spasm.  Sung or saddened.
Damned or defeated.  Danced or depleted.
Lonely or loaned.  Lingered or letting.
Blamed or beautiful.  Buoyant or bountiful.
Maimed or misled.  Mirrored or misread.
Found or flailing. Falling or forgotten.